Note: Not all submissions are from Community users.
Someone called my phone twice last week and I’m still shaken up from it.
one time i was on a bus and a woman carrying a bible banged her elbow really hard and yelled fart instead of fuck
Couldn’t find a taxi to get me home, so I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and asked for a lift.
All these people around me are getting engaged and I can’t even commit to one brand of mascara.
Submitted by Erica Fletchervia email.
When your boy’s dressed like a bum and hasn’t shaved in days but he’s still cute
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
coworker: what’s yr secret santa gift
me: amy said she loves moose so—
cw: ya she loves hair mousse
m: *waves away man leading in a moose*
I B S
largely based on accumulated data a series of called shots has again culminated with me rollerblading through 11 consecutive panes of glass
VIN DIESEL: The criminals broke into the… money thing. With the lock. You know. The thing.
COP: The safe?
VIN D… https://t.co/heGDxt8LKb
“I get to go through ur phone and browser history unless u win this game of darts”
John McEnroe’s twitter career was brief and surprisingly Pinkberry-focused
[a squirrel outside my window is running around in the rain]
where is the poncho i made you. did you sell it for drugs you little shit
HEALTH TIP: when you fart, stop the spread of germs by farting into the crook of your arm
Has anyone tweeted at El Chapo that he’s a clue on #Jeopardy yet? Nice to see one of the good guys make it
When ya get to say “im gonna sneak past ya…” to somebody in public >>>